Remember when we used to sit around our grandparents and think about how absolutely wicked some of their stories were? They usually started with “back in my day” or they ended with you repeating them to your friends, family and anyone who would listen because they were just that unimaginable.
After the last year and a half of COVID-19 protocols, loss, and the rediscovery (or re-rediscovery of myself) I can finally admit, I’ve had it pretty damn good my entire life. Sure there have been bumps along the road (and if you’re a reader you know that my mental health has pretty much fluctuated like a yo-yo these past few years), but nothing has compared to this last 18 months.
The last year and a half has been filled with more changes than I could have ever imagined. This period of my life, for reasons external and personal to me, has become the period to learn, live and relearn.
We all know who we are. Or at least we think we do. We have jobs we attend daily, families and friends we cherish. Maybe even hobbies if we’re lucky. But what we do when we’re alone with no one else around – that’s the part of ourselves we try to shelter from the world the most. Either because we’re afraid of our true selves, or because we’re afraid of what the world might think. For me, it was both. For me, it was too much of “I can’t, I won’t or I don’t know” and not enough certainty. The only decisions I approached with certainty were the ones that the world – my world – has always hated most.
But that’s the thing. People die and we lose them forever. The only communications we have are the ones in our dreams. Relationships end and we promise we’ll stay friends, but we know how that ends. Friendships fade away and we question if everything seems to be falling apart for everyone or if its just us.
At the end of all of our lives – we have to be certain that amongst those years we had with the people we cherished most – were we the person we wanted to be or were we too afraid?
“Ancient Egyptians believed that the first and most necessary ingredient in the universe was chaos. It could sweep you away, but it was also the place from which all things start anew.”
The Book of Two Ways by Jodi Picoult
Thankfully, my life has never lacked chaos. But I’ve never really thought of chaos in such a way. I mean, it’s totally true. Each time I write a new blog, each time I feel <slightly> better, each time my life seems to take a wild turn, is because of some sort of chaotic event. And then there’s a new beginning. One we didn’t see coming, but one we desperately needed.
After much deliberation (and probably familial disappointment), I embarked on yet another travel journey to Central America for what seemed like a lifetime.
And t-h-a-n-k-f-u-l-l-y so.
During my travels, I decided to read the book quoted above. Why? Maybe sheer coincidence. Maybe because she’s my absolute favourite author. But I’d like to think fate and – maybe even God – had something to do with this one (if indeed, God and fate are different entities).
I don’t speak much about this, but suicide ideation is a very big part of my life. I often think about what life would be like without me, here, on Planet Earth. Not because I don’t want to be here, but maybe because that has been the only way for me to really conceptualize the lasting (or un-lasting) effect I’ve had on the people in my life.
Reading that back aloud sounds even more twisted than writing it out on paper for the first time. But things are different right now. Maybe it’s temporary. Maybe I’ve truly done enough work on myself this time around that it will stick. That’s probably a blog post for another day.
Travelling to me means that people get put in your path to change the trajectory of your life. And that’s exactly what has happened to me this time around. I’ve met people I will probably continue to avoid at all costs, but those I wouldn’t – they’ve become welcomed souls in my journey. And I’ll probably never see them again. But that doesn’t matter.
For the short time that I’ve known these fellow travellers, I am eternally grateful. I’ve been reminded of my strength, my individuality and how to honour my own best wishes – something I had not mastered amongst the familiarity of being at home. I’ve finally become an actual fan of yoga and meditation – something I used to just say out loud in an effort to convince myself. I’ve embraced uncertainty with plans, people and life choices. The manic episodes appear now as if they are just a welcomed guest in my home, rather the silent intruder they used to be.
Life isn’t about skipping the moments that bring us pain, or introduce chaos. Life is about riding every single wave with grace, grit and love. I’ve learned that no matter how many times you think you’re being knocked down, all you have to do is stand back up again. I’ve learned that no matter how short or long your hair is, no matter how many tattoos or piercings you have, no matter what your political or spiritual views – there is someone in this world who will accept you and love you the exact way you’re supposed to be loved- even if it is for the shortest amount of time possible. Love isn’t always forever, neither is living. Fall in love with places and memories, not only people. Fall in love with the idea that everything has to come to an end at some point, even if that’s not what the storybooks we read as kids taught us.
“Time is a construct. Our brains take eighty milliseconds to process information, did you know that? Anyone who tells you to live in the here and now is a liar. By the time you pin the present down, it’s already the past.”
The Book of Two Ways – Jodi Picoult
Sometimes the best part of life is knowing that even if this chapter has to end, our souls and our hearts will strip out the parts of this that made us complete and carry that forward into our next chaotic event. After every rainstorm comes a rainbow – and the best part of the rainbow is the gift at either end waiting for us to find. At the end of this rainbow, there is healing, learning and living.
I have learned and will continue to learn about myself and the world around me. And that’s pretty damn cool.
Costa Rican addresses are expressed in relation to the closest community landmark, there are no house numbers in many of their older subdivisions and neighbourhoods.
Vultures only eat animal carcasses, not live animals – and they actually help other animals in the food chain by sparring them the opportunity to eat the diseased carcass and catch diseases. Talk about a symbiotic relationship!
Costa Rican money (colones) feature a different landscape or animal to highlight it’s biodiversity
Costa Rica has the oldest life expectancy – specifically in its’ Blue Zone where people live active lives past 100 years old
5% of the worlds biodiversity belongs in Costa Rica
Moss only grows to the North
Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic
Panama was the first country other than USA to sell Coca Cola products – beginning in 1906.
After its independence from Columbia, Panama was the first country to adopt the US currency as its own (the Panama Canal definitely had something to do with this)
The first afro-descendant to be a part of the European Royalty was Panamanian – “Hello Queen Elizabeth, are you there? It’s me Meghan Markle.”
– sincerely yours, a bunch of random facts I’ve collected these past 3 weeks
Until next time,
KC.
feminitiative.wordpress.com 