How CBT Saved my Life

Judging from the other posts I’ve made on this medium, we are all well aware of the battle I’ve endured over the course of my teens regarding mental illness. I’ll be the first to admit, before a proper diagnosis I thought everyone was just out to get me, out to attack my personality. I made light of the bad days, using the few good days as ammunition. Eventually, the good days run short and all we can really focus on are the bad ones. 
CBT, or cognitive behavioural therapy, is the changing of your beliefs in order to better yourself. “If you can change the way you interpret and internalize certain situations, your feelings and thoughts will just fall into place.”

Initially when I had started therapy, it was a way out. A way out of my head – and ultimately out of bed. I needed an unbiased opinion or subject to tell me I wasn’t going fucking crazy and that everything I was feeling was completely natural. Well, it was. And still is. To set things straight, I’m going to start by defining anxiety and depression, for those who are unsure or rather, “think it’s all in my head.”

Anxiety, is the worry or constant thought about the future. The what ifs, the will I’s. It can be extremely debilitating once the thoughts become so detrimental and so often that you lose touch with the present.

On the other hand, depression is the constant reminder of the past. The I should have’s and the why didn’t I. Depression can begin to tear us down when nothing no longer seems right – when regret and alternatives consume you.

Over the course of 3 or 4 months, I’ve mastered myself. I’ve mastered the art of CBT. Through whatever techniques I’ve found, I’ve learned to calm my anxieties. I’ve talked myself out of depressions that would normally last what seemed like a lifetime. I’ve come a long fucking way. Self harm, harms me no longer. There are better ways of dealing with sadness and worry.

There is only so much you can do, especially when the cause or subject of all that worry and displaced anger, isn’t even yours. You cannot force someone to master themselves- they need to want to. No matter how violent you become physically and verbally, no one – ABSOLUTELY no one – deemed it your responsibility to fix the lives of those around you. Let them live, just as you would hope they let you.

Slow down • breathe • relax; that’s all you can really do. In order to fully appreciate the art of being mindful, you must clear your mind. 

Cognitive behavioural therapy, is exactly as it sounds. Intense, hard work. Most importantly, it requires persistence. You have to fail a million times over before you realize that failure is a just a part of better understanding yourself and the best way to go about becoming the best you. Through NUMEROUS thought logs, journal entries, poems, Netflix and munchies, I’ve learned that what I feel is completely okay. It’s all about the beliefs. 

Because CBT has helped me so much I wanted to provide a little bit of a brief overview of some of the things I find so helpful for anyone out there suffering like I was.

1. diaphragmatic breathing exercises: sounds pretty funny I know, but seriously, it is also pretty amazing. Prior to this suggestion from my therapist, I would turn to other forms of clouding my thoughts, like smoking, to save me from thinking about my anxiety. Now, with diaphragmatic breathing I can talk myself into letting go of all the stresses I hold throughout my body over the course of a day by focusing my energies on one muscle, tensing it and quickly releasing. It takes practice, so be patient. (You also look a little ridiculous, but hey, who cares?) 
2. yoga: at first, I was sceptical. I always thought yoga was just a hobby for people, but I see now how calming and soothing it really is. I’ve tried different methods of yoga, and the best one for me is in my room with candles lit and a YouTube tutorial in the background. (Warning: some people’s voices are really not very soothing so find the right one for you!) 
3. reading novels/ newspapers/ magazines: we all know I love to read, obviously. Not only is it great for our minds intellectually but reading also slows down all that future worry anxiety and diminishes the past worry depression to a very small minimum. Thank you, novelists, for writing such good pieces and allowing me to insert myself into the books so heavily I sometimes forget they are just books. 
4. generalized anxiety disorder workbook: ABSOLUTE MUST! This workbook has exercises and blurbs and everything in between. It makes you quantify and analyze your anxiety on paper. It gives you road maps to your brain and every little thing going on between the cracks. When my therapist had suggested I buy this, I thought to myself “she really must think I’m fucking crazy if i need a workbook literally the size of a biology textbook to figure my shit out.” BOY WAS I WRONG. I’d buy it three times over if I could feel as good as I do today writing this piece to you.
5. thought logging: there are different ways to do this, but I prefer the CBT Though Log App free through the App Store. It allows you to quantify and explain your thoughts via words and distress levels. It allows you to explain what you are feeling (automatic thought), come up with evidence supporting and refuting it, and come up with a new balanced (more calm) thought. Once you have this new balanced idea, you again go and rate your distress level. From my experience, I usually start in between a 7 to a 10 on the distress scale, and end somewhere between a 2 to a 3. All of that anxiety and worry vanishes before your eyes, literally. Thank you, app genius, for this life saving tool. 
6. being able to call up those people you trust and just say hey listen dude I’m having a bad day, I’m at my lowest point, can we just talk it out for a bit: open letter to all my friends and family for putting up with me, you guys rule. I’ve been in situations where people were unsure of how to handle or help with my anxieties at their worst, and it’s rough. Nothing makes you feel worse than someone telling you your instability is affecting their mental stability. Nothing.
7. guided imagery: ever heard of “going to your happy place?” Well, this is exactly that. Again, it’s all about finding someone you are comfortable listening to but once you do, once you get to that happy place, worry and despair leave your body almost as quickly as the inhalation/exhalation processes themselves. For me, mine is James Garden. Escaping to James Garden, remembering the trees and the sound of the leaves blowing, the happy families spending time together, and everything in between brings me to ultimate peace. Find yours, let it save your life. 
8. weekly visits to my favourite therapist: you my dear are a world of great knowledge. You’ve helped me quantify and explain all of my beliefs into whatever they truly are. You’ve showed me that sometimes weeks of progress can be over thrown by one bad day. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make me any less of a person or any less of a success rate when it comes to CBT. It’s handling these scenarios, REALIZING these things happen and moving on that make CBT so worth it. In a few short months you’ve given me so much power and I will forever be grateful to you.
9. finally being open and honest with whatever is going on up in my head: Magnum PI couldn’t solve the shit going on in there before this, now I’m pretty damn good at it myself. And for those days I’m not, I have people I love and trust to guide me through it.(Thanks peeps)

To my friends and family, you guys have put up with a lot. Not many people would’ve stuck around after all this, so you guys rule too. You all definitively know who you are, you stuck be more times than I can count. You’ve listened to me cry, panic, regress and succeed. I haven’t always been right, but the success today is what matters to me.

Dad, thank you for our daily (or as often as I need them) talks about how nothing but me being the best I can be really matters. Thank you for wanting to see me get better, for a very long time. I know I’ve probably been pretty stressful and difficult to deal with on my worst of days, but having you as a teammate in this means a lot more than I put forth. Love you forever, you the real MVP.

To all the associates at CBT, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to appreciate the beauty in life after literally everything felt like it was falling apart. Thank you for teaching me the meaning of the words, “everything is going to be okay”.
Open letter all those too reserved or ashamed of seeking help: fuck your egos, and do it. Any kind of help, psychotherapy, CBT, DBT -any kind is a good kind. We are not out here alone, we make it seem that way. People are out here rooting for us, all it takes is that first step. Mental illness affects more of our friends and families than we know, and if everyone would just release a little bit of that stigma, we’d all be getting the help we need.
Xoxox, and stay mindful! ❤️